An existence viewed through antipodean rose tinted lens. Living in an negatively over dramatized interior monologue - authentic as a season of the Hills, or a instogrammed photo Facebook spec of life. Self pity creates a perceptional existence which inhibits consistence and integral human connection.
"Prison is a State of Mind. Misery is mate of mine"
Home Brew - State of Mind
Physical symptoms include:
-the shakes
-the unstoppable crying
-the stone gutted stomach
As the Doctor says the problem is chemical, chemical solutions include:
-Citalopram
-Executor
-Fluox (Prozac)
Relief and exaserbation. Pills may mellow out the lows, but also can mellow out the meaniningful both postive and negative.
Practically cognitive theory is helpful. So is living habits. Ultimately both are a choice, as is depression regardless of proclivity. Depression is selfish.
That's why I'm writing this. It's not for you, it's for me. And those in the audience, is really was me not you.
When (any) she broke up with me, I made you cry. I told you I felt nothing. You said you would miss my nice eyes.
Depression creates selfish state of mind fueled by self doubt, anger, guilty and fear rotating in a constantly feed-backing loop of denial.
It's a Catch 22. Self pity is comfortable. There is some desire to get out of this state of desperation. Human connection seems the result. But an instationable loop of desperate worry about this desire, about bringing others down with me, makes this difficult in a depressed state. You don't think you can escape this state which naturally precludes meaningfully long-term human connecton (e.g. considering the needs and desires of others). Rather perceptions grown out of self pity are preferred.
“Whenever I’m upset over something, I imagine all my friends, relatives and colleagues gathered at my bier. They are very, very sorry they weren’t nicer to me while I lived. Self-pity is something I’ve worked every hard to maintain. Why abandon it just because you grow up? Self-pity is something that children are very good at, which must mean it is natural and important. Imagining yourself dead in the cheapest, sleaziest, most satisfying form of childish self-pity. How sad and remorseful and guilty all those people are, standing by your great bronze coffin. They can’t even look each other in the eye because they know that the death of this decent and compassionate man is the result of a conspiracy they al took part in. The coffin is banked with flowers and lined with a napped fabric in salmon or peach. What wonderful cross-currents of self-pity and self-esteem you are able to wallow in, seeing yourself laid out in a dark suit and tie, looking tanned, fit and rested, as they say presidents are after vacations. But there is something even more childish and satisfying than self-pity, something that explains why I try to see myself dead on a regular basis, a great fellow surrounded by snivelling mournerers. It is my way of punishing people for thinking their own lives are more important than mine”
Don Delillo White Noise pg216
It is delusional to blame this state purley on chemical problems, and genetics. These alone should not create a state where:
-you decide to medicate yourself to feel next to nothing
-lose the perception to read (or care about) reading the reactions of others in social interaction, until you realise this too late
-wallowing in consuming depressants in both liquid and hobby form
-become a vampire sucking for sympathy in any social interaction
-perceive yourself as so isolated and cut off social, that you start to achieve this; and
-ignore the collateral hurt your behaviour is causing to others as unavoidable.
If we break up, I'll properly say I don't want to be just friends. At worst it was because I needed to desire you to a re-up of my self esteem.
"I met a girl and we ran away
I swore I'd make her happy every day
And how I made her cry
Two faces have I
Sometimes mister I feel sunny and wild
Lord I love to see my baby smile
Then dark clouds come rolling by
Two faces have I
One that laughs one that cries
One says hello one says goodbye
One does things I don't understand
Makes me feel like half a man
At night I get down on my knees and pray
Our love will make that other man go away
But he'll never say goodbye
Two faces have I"
Bruce Springsteen Two Faces
"And once again the monster speaks
Reveals his face and searches for release
A little boy is tied to you
Attracted only 'til it comes unglued
Cause it don't bleed and it don't breathe
It's locked its jaws and now it's swallowing
It's in our heart
It's in our head
It's in our love
Baby it's in our bed
Tonight I go to hell
For what I've done to you
This ain't about regret
It's when I tell the truth
Tonight I go to hell
For what I've done to you"
Afghan Whigs - Debonair
Responsibility must be taken
"I'm not the one, you should be making your enemy"
Solange - Losing You
It should be acknowledged:
-their is a chemical/genetic preclusion
-I think myself into this state
-shit is happening
-I've zoned out for the past three months in a wad of comfort, depressants and self importance.
"You can hide neath the covers and study your pain. Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain. Waste your summer in vain praying for a hero to rise from these streets. Well I'm no hero that's understood, all the redemption I can offer, girl is beneath this dirty hood"
Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road
At the end of the day I only have this option:
"What's coming is a millon new reasons not to live your life. You can deny your possibility to suceed and blame it on something else. You can fight against everything - Margaret Thatcher, property owners, the urge to open that door mid-flight... everything you pretend keeps you down. You live Kierkegaard's inauthentic life. Or you can make what Kirekegaard called your Leap of Faith, where you stop living as a reaction to circumstances and start living as a force for what you should be"
Chuck Palahniuk - Non Fiction pg 215
The leep needed is to deal with it daily, and not let it takeover. To not accept this illness as a reality, or an escape. To consistently deal with and work with this chemcially, cognitively and actively. Only then will I regain my human spark, which only I can take away.
To the audience I won't say sorry. Apologies and guilt are part of the problem. Rather I thank you. Your mere presence, your empathy, patience and kindness astounds me. All of you.
You meet me in this time of my life. I'm moving on from 'the dark Hills' starting with this black book. I'm hoping the spinoff is better than 'the City.'
Alaister J Moghan
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